Wednesday, September 11, 2013

SEPTEMBER JOKES

   Two men sitting at the end of O'Toole's bar talking about politics, when all of a sudden the door swings open and this fellow comes running in, he runs up to the bar and shouts to the bartender give me a beer and shot before the fight starts. So the bartender pours his shot and beer and walks down to the end of the bar to refill the drinks for the two men talking politics. The other fellow shouts down to the bartender hey I still got some time before the fight starts give me another shot and beer, the bartender does as he is told and gives him a shot and beer. He turns to change the TV channel, then he turns to the fellow and says I dont remember any fight going on today! When this fight going to start, the fellow smiles and says to the bartender, just as soon as you find out I dont have any money to pay for the drinks.
When I was a lot younger a friend and I spent the afternoon in his backyard cleaning his motorbike, we had a pail half full of gasoline that we used to clean parts, well anyway his mother called us to come in for lunch. So we left everything the way it was and went into the house, we totally forgot that junior his german shepard dog was outside laying down by the garage. So to make a long story short, after lunch we went back outside to finish up cleaning the motorbike and what a surprise, junior the dog was running around like crazy with his tongue hanging out. I wondered what the heck was wrong with that dog, when all of a sudden the dog just keeled over, so I turned to my friend and said you think he died, my friend looked at me and saw the empty pail, then he said to me nope looks like he ran out of gas.
Three elderly married ladies are walking along a beach in Florida talking about life in general, well walking one lady stubbs her toe on something, so she bends down to see what it is, there buried in the sand is oddly shaped tea pot. So she uncovers and holds it up to her friends for them to see, they ask what will she do with that old tea pot, well I will take it home and clean it and maybe put some flowers in it on my hall table. Well later that evening she was scrubbing her new found tea pot so it would look nice and clean, as she was drying it off, the kitchen got dark and filled with smoke and a voice said what is your one wish lady, she blurted out I wish to be 25% smarter in the morning. The next morning she was up early and laughed to herself that she felt no different than the day before so must be imagining what went on in her kitchen. At nine AM her phone rang, her friends wanted to go for a walk on the beach, so she agreed. As they where walking and talking, her two friends said to her that she was talking like she graduated from college, so she told them what happened. Both of the other ladies asked if they could try the tea pot out to see if they could get a wish, well the second lady took the tea pot home and when she wipped it down her kitchen grew dark and smoke filled the room and she heard a voice say softly what is your one wish lady, after thinking what the first lady told her, she blurted out I would like to be 50% wiser when I wake up in the morning. The next morning she awoke not feeling any different, as usual she and he two friends went for a walk on the beach, as the three walked and talked they all agreed the first two had a much better grasp of the English language and had raised their education level a bunch. So the third lady took the tea pot to make her wish, as she was polishing it up the room got dark and filled with smoke and she heard a voice say what is your one wish lady, she just blurted I wish to be 100 % wiser in the morning, the voice replied in the morning you will be a man.