Monday, December 30, 2013

December Jokes

   One day an elderly pastor confides in his parishioners that he's feeling a bit lonely and depressed. So one of the parishioners suggests to the pastor that he buy a pet. Thinking this a grand idea, the pastor hurries into town and after much deliberation, buys a parrot.
   Unfortunately not five minutes after arriving home, the parrot starts hurling a string of expletives at the pastor.
   After about an hour it gets to be too much, so the pastor walks up to the parrot, slaps him on the beak, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot madder and he starts swearing at the pastor in even more colorful language.
   Finally the pastor has had it and says, "All right, that's it." Grabbing a blanket, the pastor throws it over the parrot's cage and screams, "Now, SHUT UP!" Well, this really irritates the parrot and he starts clawing and scratching at the bars of his cage. Finally the pastor removes the blanket. Immediately the parrot starts right in on the pastor again.
   By this time, the pastor is so infuriated that he grabs the parrot by the throat and throws him into the freezer. Well, the parrot starts swearing and thrashing about so loudly that the pastor is considering killing the bird. Just as he's thinking this, it gets very...very quiet.
    At first the pastor just stares at the refrigerator, but then he starts to think that the parrot might be seriously injured. He becomes so worried that he runs over to the refrigerator and throws open the freezer door.
   The parrot climbs out of the freezer, flaps the ice off his wings, and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I've caused you father. In the future, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary."
   The pastor is astounded. He can't believe the sudden transformation that has come over the parrot. Finally the parrot turns to the pastor and says, "Um....by the way, what did the chicken do?

Wow what a special Pig
   Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"
   "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"
   "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"
   "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?" "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."
  "And that was when he hurt his leg?" "Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."
   "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"
    "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

November Jokes

    A very rich man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

   A young lady gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The lady goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You should go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

   An older couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "I think you should, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

    A senior citizen was driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Sunday, October 20, 2013

October Jokes

MEMORY or no memory JOKE

A 90 plus year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. Later that night while watching television, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure honey." She then asked him, "Don't you think that you should write it down on a note so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some chocolate syrup on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
    Now irritated, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then goes down stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Fast food JOKE
   A man decides to eat in a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a prickly black hair inside of the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on back there!"
    So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and the man witnesses the cook taking a meat patty and flattening it under his armpit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
   Then the waitress says, "If you think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

Getting Pulled Over by a cop Joke 
    A man and his wife are driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut woman, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that either." "YES YOU DID!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for months!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curious, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drunk!"

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

SEPTEMBER JOKES

   Two men sitting at the end of O'Toole's bar talking about politics, when all of a sudden the door swings open and this fellow comes running in, he runs up to the bar and shouts to the bartender give me a beer and shot before the fight starts. So the bartender pours his shot and beer and walks down to the end of the bar to refill the drinks for the two men talking politics. The other fellow shouts down to the bartender hey I still got some time before the fight starts give me another shot and beer, the bartender does as he is told and gives him a shot and beer. He turns to change the TV channel, then he turns to the fellow and says I dont remember any fight going on today! When this fight going to start, the fellow smiles and says to the bartender, just as soon as you find out I dont have any money to pay for the drinks.
When I was a lot younger a friend and I spent the afternoon in his backyard cleaning his motorbike, we had a pail half full of gasoline that we used to clean parts, well anyway his mother called us to come in for lunch. So we left everything the way it was and went into the house, we totally forgot that junior his german shepard dog was outside laying down by the garage. So to make a long story short, after lunch we went back outside to finish up cleaning the motorbike and what a surprise, junior the dog was running around like crazy with his tongue hanging out. I wondered what the heck was wrong with that dog, when all of a sudden the dog just keeled over, so I turned to my friend and said you think he died, my friend looked at me and saw the empty pail, then he said to me nope looks like he ran out of gas.
Three elderly married ladies are walking along a beach in Florida talking about life in general, well walking one lady stubbs her toe on something, so she bends down to see what it is, there buried in the sand is oddly shaped tea pot. So she uncovers and holds it up to her friends for them to see, they ask what will she do with that old tea pot, well I will take it home and clean it and maybe put some flowers in it on my hall table. Well later that evening she was scrubbing her new found tea pot so it would look nice and clean, as she was drying it off, the kitchen got dark and filled with smoke and a voice said what is your one wish lady, she blurted out I wish to be 25% smarter in the morning. The next morning she was up early and laughed to herself that she felt no different than the day before so must be imagining what went on in her kitchen. At nine AM her phone rang, her friends wanted to go for a walk on the beach, so she agreed. As they where walking and talking, her two friends said to her that she was talking like she graduated from college, so she told them what happened. Both of the other ladies asked if they could try the tea pot out to see if they could get a wish, well the second lady took the tea pot home and when she wipped it down her kitchen grew dark and smoke filled the room and she heard a voice say softly what is your one wish lady, after thinking what the first lady told her, she blurted out I would like to be 50% wiser when I wake up in the morning. The next morning she awoke not feeling any different, as usual she and he two friends went for a walk on the beach, as the three walked and talked they all agreed the first two had a much better grasp of the English language and had raised their education level a bunch. So the third lady took the tea pot to make her wish, as she was polishing it up the room got dark and filled with smoke and she heard a voice say what is your one wish lady, she just blurted I wish to be 100 % wiser in the morning, the voice replied in the morning you will be a man.

Friday, August 9, 2013

AUGUST JOKES

   A friend of mine called me up and read me this article out of the newspaper, please help me find my lost dog, he is about 4 or 5 years old mixed breed, has black and brown spots, one front leg is shorter than the other, sneezes a lot, he does not hear very well, blind in one eye, missing some teeth, has a short tail that curls down answers to the name of lucky.

   At the local golf club, the pro was bragging how he could beat any one, even if he had to give strokes per hole, just after he opened his big mouth and old fellow said I will bet a free steak dinner at the restaurant here that I can beat you. The pro looked at the old fellow who had a beat up set of clubs in a beat up golf bag and said to him your on, how many strokes per hole do you want? The old fellow said none, but spot me three gotcha's, the pro said sure anything you say old man.
   At the first hole, the pro out drove the old fellow by 50 yards, but the old fellow hit his second shot on the green about 8 to 10 feet from the hole, the pro hit his second shot on to the green about 12 to 14 feet away. So the old fellow pulled the pin as the pro began his putting ritual, so as the pro was getting ready to stroke the ball the old fellow came up behind him and grabbed his butt with both hands and squeezed hard and yelled in his ear gotcha. The pro proceeded to putt the ball past the hole by ten feet or so, the old fellow made his birdie putt and the pro could do no better than a bogey.
   At each of the next 8 holes the pro was so shaken he could hardly stand still to putt the ball.
   Back at the club house the folks gathered around the pro, all wanted to know how bad he beat the old fellow. The pro said to all with a bright red face he lost to the old fellow, when they asked why, he said he could not get his putting stroke back because he was shaking so much waiting for the next gotcha.
    A young man went in to get his yearly check up, the Doctor gave him a good going over and sent him down for lab work and a few xrays as well. After he was done he went home. A few days later the doctors office called for him to come in again to run a few more tests, so he was sitting in the doctors office when the doctor came in, the doctor said I am afraid I have bad news, he continued with you have a very rare disease of which there is no known cure, I give you 4 to 6 months, I suggest you go and try to get all your affairs in order. So the young man being visibly shaken left and went home, he talked with his friends and family and asked if they could help him understand the meaning of life. Their reply was to seek help from his priest, so he went to see Father O'Reiley, as he explained what had happened he asked the Father what he thought might be the meaning of life? Father O'Reiley said he had no idea whatsoever, however perhaps you could consult with the Rabbi down the street he is a lot older and wiser. So he called the office of the Rabbi and explained his problem, they informed him that the Rabbi was in the Holy land doing research for a book. He is scheduled to be back in a month, if he would like they will set up an appointment ASAP. So he agreed.
   After the Rabbi returned the young fellow was called to meet with him, after he explaind to he Rabbi about his illness, he asked the Rabbi what he thought the meaning of life was? The Rabbi had a blank look on his face and told the young fellow he could not advise him because he was not Jewish and that he should seek his answers elsewhere, perhaps he should try the Bishop or some one higher up like the Pope.
   Now the young fellow was very upset, so he said to himself I do not have time to waste so I will see if I can contact the office of the Pope for an audience, after explaining his illness and what he has tried so far to do they told him that they can schedule him to see the Pope in a few weeks after he arrives in Italy. So he went home and sold all his things and bought a plane ticket to Italy to leave the next day.
   After he arrived, he called the Pope's office and asked to schedule his appointment, so they told him the date which was a few weeks later than he thought, so to make a long story a little shorter the Pope blessed the young fellow but could offer no real guidance. He did however suggest that he go see the Dahli Lama in Tibet because he being much older would know the answer to the meaning of Life.
   Now the young fellow was down to only 2 or 3 months prior to his end, so he got a flight out of Italy to Tibet and upon landing went straight to the mountain temple of the Dahli Lama, after hiring guides and spending 10 days climbing the mountain he finally arrived at the gate. The guards told him that he was unfit to see the Dahli Lama and that he would need to join the clan of priest prior to ever seening him. They told the young fellow it would take several years of various hardships, also they would need to shave his head and he must grow a beard, he sat and cried, then he told them he had about a month to live can they please help him, after talking it over they agreed to assisst him as much as possible and after three weeks of all types of hardships, he was granted an audience with the Dahli Lama.
   So now picture the young fellow, clothes are tattered, no hair, long beard, skinny as a rail, only a few days of life to cling to, so he tell the Dahli Lama his situation, then he ask if the Dahli Lama can explain the meaning of life.
   So the Dahli Lama gives him that have I got the answer for you look, he proceeds to say “That wet birds do not fly at night” The young fellow looks at him with a look that could kill and says to him that is your answer wet birds do not fly at night! The Dahli Lama looks back kind of puzzled and says you mean they do?
   To all this is a time joke, meant to kill time, you can add or subtract as you wish, please do not blame me for this, I was told this one day while at a meeting waiting for the group leader to give his talk on computer systems work, which cost me a $125 a day.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

JULY JOKES

Twin boys John and Billy always walk to school together in this small village called Mentor, one day John arrived at school alone, so the teacher asked what happened to Billy, John said Billy got his butt caught on the fence! Teacher said “rectum”, John said wrecked em hell damn near killed him.

An article in the newspaper read as follows, Man pulled over for going 100 mile per hour down route 306 in Mentor. The police man asked why the fellow did not slow down when he saw the flashing lights and heard the siren, the fellow told the officer, that his wife ran away with a police officer a few days ago and I thought you may have been bringing her back.

Two elderly gentlemen are fishing at Veterans Park in Mentor, a young boy came up to them and asked what are they fishing for, one of the elderly gentlemen spoke up and said hammer-fors!  The young boy said what is a hammer-for, the other elderly gentlemen said whats a matter boy don't you know that a hammer for pounding nails.

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10- You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9- You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8- If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7- Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6- Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5- A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4- Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3- A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2- A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason.....

You can buy a silencer for a gun

Saturday, June 8, 2013

JOKES FOR JUNE

    Hello folks! In my business of teaching folks how to make money on the Internet, some of my folks like to tell me jokes, assorted varieties, but here is one you may not have heard. A fellow was riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle down the California coast line on a nice four lane highway. He only traveled a few miles when he came upon an elderly lady sitting in her car, the right front tire was flat. So he stopped and asked if he could help. She said that would be nice of him, so he opened the trunk and got out the jack and spare tire and proceeded to change the flat tire. After about 20 minutes or so he was done and he shut the trunk lid and gave the lady her keys. She asked if she could pay him for his trouble and he said that it was not necessary as he was a pastor of a small church nearby. However she could keep him and his church in her prayers. So he got on his hog and continued on his journey down the highway. A small gas station came in view, so he figured he would pull over and fill up. As he got off the bike, an old beat up pick up truck pulled into a parking spot next to the gas station store. As he was pumping gas, a fellow got out of the pickup truck with long yellow hair and he wore a black long coat and a black cowboy hat. The biker pastor watched the fellow go into the store. After he finished pumping gas the pastor biker went into pay the lady for the gas in the store.    When the pastor biker entered the store, the pickup truck cowboy was holding a gun on the lady behind the counter asking for money. She told him she only had ten dollars. He said he needed at least fifty dollars for medicine for his kids. The pastor biker told the fellow to put the gun away and he would give him fifty dollars for the medicine but he had to promise to come to his church on Sunday if at all possible. The truck driver agreed, so he got his fifty dollars and left. The pastor biker paid the lady for his gas and departed as well.
   About 10 miles down the highway the pastor biker was halted by a clap of thunder and a bolt of lightening, so he got off his Harley and knelt down and began to pray. A voice in the wind said “good job pastor, I see you can handle things that come your way very well, what would you like me to do for you today?" So the pastor biker stood up and after several minutes of thinking, he said, "If you are God, put a bridge from here to Hawaii so I can ride my Harley there." God said, "You are kidding, right! Give me something else," so the pastor biker paced back and forth for a while and said, "OK, if you are God, explain to me what makes a woman tick?" God said to the pastor biker, "Do you want a two or four lane bridge.

    Here is another one. Two fellows standing outside a bar under a street light had been arguing for about a half hour, they argued about the large object in the sky, one fellow said it was the moon while the other said it was the sun. Then one of the fellows said, “Let's ask the fellow that's coming out of the bar." As he staggered closer they stopped him and pointed at the large object in the sky and asked him the question what is that? He told them don't ask me I don't live around here and he staggered away.

Monday, May 13, 2013

First, a Little Entertainment


You guys hear the one about the concerned husband who goes to a doctor to talk about his wife? He says, "Doc, I think my wife is deaf, cause she never hears me the first time, and always asks me to repeat things." Doc says, "Well, go home tonight and stand about fifteen feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness." The husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about fifteen feet from his wife, who's in the kitchen chopping vegetables, and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response from the wife. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Wife says, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Remember: there are three types of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who can't.

What's the definition of Australian aristocracy? A man who can trace his lineage back to his father.

Hey, you know what a zebra is?26 sizes larger than an A-bra.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a skin doctor?A pachyderma-tologist.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?Quatro sinko.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?To find a tight seal.

How do you turn a fox into a cow?Marry her.